Peppered Bacon Burger, Side of Sorrow
29 Jan
Rhett,
I wouldn’t feel bad about craving ice cream for breakfast. When I was a younger man (with a more aggressive metabolism), I was known to eat two-bite brownies with heavy cream as a sort of breakfast cereal. As a child, I vowed to eat whatever I wanted when I grew up, and for years, that’s exactly what I did.
But who am I kidding? Nothing’s changed. This childish fixation on the least healthy option on any menu still sways me (see The Baconator), and once again has influenced my decision for the worse.
I honestly don’t even know if the cafeteria serves healthy food, because it has never occurred to me to order it. Today’s special was a Peppered Bacon Cheeseburger. Do you think I even listened to the options for sides? I did not. I ate the burger and fries at my desk with two packets of off-brand ketchup.
There’s no need to go into how bad it was – my views on the aggressive mediocrity of the company store is well documented. I do want you to know that however sad the web comic made you feel, lunch made me feel sadder.
Warm regards,
Brendan
Dear Brendan,
You should probably never stop eating the least healthy food, or else this blog may start to get a whole lot less funny fast.
For example:
My lunch today was a melodious harmony of beans, chickpeas, tahini, and olive oil, perfectly balanced with just the right amount of garlic, parsley, and a dash of salt and pepper. I ate it with a fresh, tasty pita and the brightest-of-orange carrots.
Sentimental garbage.
Sincerely,
Jana
PS: You should make it a requirement that all comments must take letter-form.
Dear Jana,
I couldn’t agree more about the comments. There’s something dignified about corresponding rather than responding.
And I wouldn’t worry too much about healthy choices slipping into my diet anytime soon.
Thanks,
Brendan