Brown Shoes, Tube Socks

Brendan,

Today, unable to stomach another sandwich, I went to Coco Brooks in the southeast. There’s a lot of strange things about Coco Brooks. First, it sounds like a pornstar or a stripper runs it—when it’s actually run by Christians. Second, they give their employees Sundays off which I respect in theory, but in practice not as much—some times I just want a pizza on a Sunday. And frankly, all the uplifting slogans all over their personal-sized pizza boxes don’t actually do any uplifting. Not for me. Not when I’m about to injest a pound of meat and grease/cheese.

I know you know all that, since it was you who introduced me to Coco Brooks. I just wanted to say it because know one else listens to me. My presumption is that, as this is a letter, you will have to read—not because you want to but because I know you believe in the sanctity of letters.

I got the Mile High pizza, a name that I can’t help but associate with the sex act. Perhaps it’s this connection that made me so self-conscious about what happened next. While I waited for my pizza to arrive, I crossed my legs and I noticed that I was wearing white tube socks with my Wallabees. You can’t wear white socks with brown/black shoes. It’s a faux pas. And yet, there I was, in defiance of that true and noble fashion law. What did I care? I had no one to impress.

Just then a cute girl sat next to me and this presented a real problem. First, she was cute. Second, I knew she was judging my sock/shoe combination, but if I tried to hide the fact I was wearing brown shoes and white socks she’d know that I knew how much of a loser I am and thus lose all potential interest in me. So I played it cool, kept my legs crossed and proudly displayed my white socks and brown shoes. Maybe she’d take pity on me?

Truly, my only true hope for coming out unscathed during this was that in her judgement she’d realize the truth—I’m married. Luckily, my number was called first so I just left and ate my pizza at my desk, at work and in silence. It was pretty good.

Greasily yours,
Rhett